Monday, September 5, 2016

...3 Months Later

 Whew. I can't tell you how nice it feels for my fingers to hit an actual keyboard. Trying to overlook the tiny little detail that I haven't had time to cut my nails in I don't know how long so they're driving me a little bananas. I'm not even sure what I want to write, except for "yes, I'm still alive!" 

Being Sam's Mama has been the most rewarding, and the most exhausting title I've ever carried. He is the most beautiful and happy baby, but he has also been very high needs. We've had lots of issues with silent reflux and tummy problems that meant he needed to be comforted quite often. Turn that comfort into a sleep association and what do you get? A baby that cannot nap without being held by Mama, that wakes up at 4am and wants to be held until 8am, leaving me with very little time to get any sort of work done. 

Thankfully, baby Sam is on the mend. We are finally getting his reflux under control and are finally to the point where I can start leaving him a little more and maybe even attempting a little sleep training here soon. We will see!

Speaking of baby Sam, how handsome is he?! So often I find myself staring at him thinking "I can't believe you're mine!" He's so full of personality and even at 3 months, he definitely keeps us on our toes. He giggles at everything, rolls over from both sides like a maniac, and I swear he's already a baby genius. But, doesn't every Mom think that about their baby? Either way, he's perfect to me and being his Mama has been the greatest pleasure Jesus has ever allowed me. {For more baby Sam, his monthly updates are on my Instagram!}

All this being said, I do plan on getting girl(ish) back up and running over the next few weeks. I love blogging, and especially now that I have Sam, I want to document so much of our life with him. I plan on posting more fashion of course, but girl(ish) will also focus a lot more on our daily lives as a family of three (four with Cruise!). You'll see things like day in the life posts, faith based posts, recipes, parenting, marriage, etc. I would love your ideas. If there is something you would like to see, please let me know. Also, if you're local and would like to participate in a focus group over the next month or so, please contact me via email.

Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck around and will continue to read and subscribe to girl(ish). Your love and support means more to me than you will ever know.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Sam's Birth Story

Y'all. I apologize for the lack of posts but this Mom thing is no joke. Sam and I are having so much fun bonding and getting to know each other so I'm soaking up as many cuddles as I possibly can! Hopefully now that he is sleeping a little more, I can get back into the swing of things. Hopefully. Until then, I'm finally sharing our birth story! 

 Matt and I arrived at the hospital Friday morning May 27, 2016 at 5am for a scheduled induction. Going in, my only plan was to have no birth plan. I had no expectations and was totally okay with whatever happened so long as I got my epidural. Ya girl is no hero and I knew from the very beginning that I didn't want to experience the pain of labor any longer than I would have to. For me, being able to enjoy the process was important, and being pain free was the only way to do so. 

As soon as we checked in, Matt plugged in my essential oil diffuser (gentle baby + lavender) and started Grey's Anatomy on the iPad. These were the only things I required to keep me "calm". At the same time our (AMAZING!!) nurse got us settled in and hooked up to everything and I made sure to go ahead and tell her I wanted the epidural. I wanted to make sure she knew so that if there ended up being people ahead of me, she could go ahead and put me on the list.

At 7:20am she came in to start me on a low drip of pitocin. At this point, I was already having contractions on my own (for at least a month) but nothing regular or intense. The pitocin made a difference but again, nothing crazy.

After about an hour, my doctor came in to break my water. Thankfully, this would also be my last dilation check without an epidural and at this point, I was at 3 centimeters. (I had been at 3 at my doctors appointment the Monday before, too!) Everyone tells you that after your water breaks, stuff starts to get real, and everyone is not lying. My contractions started coming on fast at 2-3 minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds to a minute each. Y'all, saying they hurt just seems silly to me. That's the biggest understatement of the year! People will tell you they are similar to kidney stones, and as someone who had kidney stones twice during her pregnancy, those same people are also liars. REAL contractions hurt ten times worse! I would rate them an 8.5-9 on a 1-10 scale. The only reason I won't rate them a 10 is because should I have had to survive them, I could have. But whew, thank God I didn't!

Thanks to my sweet nurse being so proactive, it was only about 35 minutes of pain later before they came in to give me my epidural. That thing is a (painless) miracle drug my friends. A MIRACLE. It started to work almost immediately, and about 20 minutes later, all I could feel was pressure.

At 10:55am my nurse came back in to check me and I was dilated to 6 centimeters! At this point, I couldn't believe how quickly things were moving, but I still didn't want to get my hopes up too much because I had heard things could stall after the epidural.

At 11:45am she came back in to flip me to my left side because Sam's heart beat had started to slow. About 10 minutes later she checked my cervix again and I was dilated to an 8.5! At this point, I knew we were close to having a baby! I'm not sure how, but I was so calm at this point. Knowing that I was about to meet my sweet baby boy kept me at ease the entire time!

At 12:50 I was fully dilated and was told to sit up and put my legs in a "Buddha" position to get baby to drop a little more while I waited on my doctor. Just a few minutes later she and a couple of nurses came in and started getting things ready. It really is like a well oiled machine and these people meant business. At this point, I was so excited and so determined to meet my baby boy as quickly as possible! At 1:28 after 14 minutes and 6 pushes, my sweet baby Sam made his way into our world.

People talk about it all the time, but you really don't know that kind of love until you meet your baby. The rush of life changing emotion is indescribable and incredibly beautiful. Being Sam's Mama is my biggest privilege and I pray I will never forget that!

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Introducing Our Sweet Baby Sam

On Friday, May 27, 2016 at 1:28pm, our hearts were forever changed. Weighing it at 7lbs, 1oz, Baby Sam has turned our world completely upside down in the best possible way. He is absolutely perfect!

Everyone is doing great! We are all adjusting and trying to sleep as much as possible whenever we can, but I will be back in the next couple of days to share our birth story! 

Thank you all so much for your kind words. We are all so very grateful!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Sweet Baby Sam: 37-38 Weeks

 I almost didn't post an update this week. Mostly because I'm so anxious and exhausted the only thing I can think is "When is this baby coming OUT?!" Also because of the lack of new pregnancy photos. I don't look much different, so this one will have to do as a place holder. As of my doctor's appointment Monday I am between 2 and 3 centimeters dilated. I've had tons of almost symptoms and contractions but nothing consistent. My next appointment is this coming Monday and if Baby Sam hasn't made his way out yet, our doctor has allowed us to go ahead and schedule an induction if we want. It mainly just depends on what she says and how far dilated I am at that point. We shall see! I'm secretly hoping this is my last pregnancy update!
Weight Gained: 30 pounds, I think! Maybe 31? I can't remember.
Symptoms: Contractions, hip pain, lacking appetite (but I still have cravings and I'm still hungry!). I also had about 30 minutes of severe back pain yesterday that led me to believe I was in labor. Again, not consistent enough and it went away after about 45 minutes! 

Movement: A ton as usual. While he is still head down and ready to go, he has rolled over at some point. His knees were on my left side last week, but are now rolling on my right side and kicking my kidney. They are super obvious and I've even seen a foot come across my belly at this point. Crazy!
Food Aversions: Same as always. Sausage and plain chicken breasts.

Food Cravings: Dark chocolate, Mon Amie Blueberry Pancakes, Cereal. Yeah, nothing healthy. I cannot wait to have my love for healthy back! 

Sleep: I've actually had a few decent nights up until last night. I slept for 3.5 hours straight a few nights ago and it was glorious!

Maternity Clothes?: At this point, I'm good in this department and so over maternity clothes! (Same as last week!)

Stretch Marks?: Still just the few around my belly button but I have a feeling a few more may pop up after this baby gets here!
Miss Anything?: Exercise! Other than that I can't really complain right now!

Baby Items Purchased: Not a thing! I think we are all set! 

Looking Forward To: Holding this sweet baby in my arms! And an update at the doctor's office Monday if he hasn't made his debut.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

My first (fur) Baby and my Hopes for him as a big brother

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{Photos from our 2014 Anniversary Shoot! Photography by Candace & Josh Spencer - Lotus Creative Studios}
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 {His favorite spot in the nursery! Also: Excuse the wrinkled crib skirt. My sweet husband put it on before I could iron it! It's on my to do list. }

For the past few days, Cruise has been acting a little differently. He's a Mama's boy and is usually following me everywhere or snuggled up beside me. He's even been more clingy since I became pregnant. But not lately. He'll constantly stare at me, but he won't come to me when I call him, he's mopey, and he won't even sleep in our bed. (Seriously, the kid loves to sleep in the bed!) Matt has joked with me that once Sam was born he would get his dog back (years ago, he was a Daddy's boy) so he's been loving that all of the lack of cuddles I've been getting, are going straight to him!

My biggest fear with having a baby has been how Cruise will take it. The last thing I want is for him to feel sad or left out. It would seriously break my heart! He turns eight years old next week, but to us he is our baby. He has no idea he isn't human, and he's always been the only "child". He's completely spoiled (with so much love!) and I just don't want him to be hurt. We've prepared him in every way we know how and we don't restrict him from anything regarding Sam or his nursery, except chewing his stuffed animals. Although I know there will be a time when they are sharing everything and I honestly cannot wait! I just pray it's enough.

My hope and prayer is that he always remembers that he was our first baby, and that we love him unconditionally no matter what. We will honestly make our best efforts to give him the most love and attention we possibly can. I pray that he will love his baby brother and protect him the way he does his Mama and Daddy. I have this vision of play time and sweet cuddles for these two, and even a vision of bruises and ear pulling, and my heart can only hope and pray that these visions come to life through brotherly love.

At the doctor on Monday, we found out that I am one centimeter dilated with a very thin cervix. (Yay!) Is that TMI? Whoops, hope not. Anyway, we are thinking (and I'm hoping) that he is just sensing the changes about to happen and that's what's causing the change in his attitude. He truly is the sweetest baby boy and deep down we are only hoping he'll be just as sweet to his little brother as things start to change. Does anyone have any advice as we make the adjustment? Any tips to make this a little easier on him (and us) would be greatly appreciated! 

P.S. For more Cruise photos, make sure you're following me on Instagram (@amanda_sumner_)! I'm kind of obsessed with him, obviously.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Sweet Baby Sam: 35-36 Weeks


 Crocheted Cut-In Cami Maxi Dress: Express {Not Maternity!} | Tory Burch Miller Flip Flop: Nordstrom

You know you're pregnant when you go on a date night with your husband and A.) are willing to pay for valet parking so you don't have to walk too far. B.) Your husband has made the reservation and when you walk in the hostess says "a table near the restroom, correct?" C.) You cry in the middle of dinner because of the song playing in the restaurant. and D.) You leave Chocolate Moose with three cupcakes because you just couldn't choose and you know this will be the only time people don't judge. Not even a little shame.

Also, pregnancy brain is a real thing. These photos were supposed to be taken with our DSLR but I forgot the memory card. So, iPhone had to do because I refused to go back home. It was a miracle my hair and makeup was done, so I wanted to get a few regardless!

Weight Gained: 27 Pounds and I'm feelin it.
Symptoms: I'm officially in the uncomfortable state of pregnancy. I'm in "pre labor" (not to be confused with pre term labor) meaning I have symptoms of impending labor. It could be a week or four, but these contractions aren't playin! Basically every time I stand or walk at all, I'm having a contraction. Luckily, they still slow down/stop when I rest, so no need to worry yet! Also, kidney pain, swollen hands and feet, exhaustion, hangry, and super intense hip pain at night.

Movement: My body is sweet Sam's punching bag at this point. I've heard people say movement slowed down or they felt it less at this point, but not with this boy! I also feel his head twisting and getting into position which is a tad uncomfortable and definitely feels a bit strange! I'm trying my best to soak in all the sweet movements I can!
Food Aversions: Same as always. Sausage and plain chicken breasts.

Food Cravings: Ben and Jerry's "The Tonight Dough". I should be ashamed at the amount of pints I've demolished in the past week but I'm just not. It's seriously all I've wanted to eat! And bagels with honey nut cream cheese!

Sleep: I wish I could give y'all the same look I give me husband when he wakes up and asks "How'd you sleep?" Yeah.... I didn't.

Maternity Clothes?: At this point, I'm good in this department and so over maternity clothes!

Stretch Marks?: A few teeny tiny ones have popped up around my belly button. I'm not a fan, but it is what it is.
Miss Anything?: The ability to walk and not waddle, haha. Contraction free days and a good nights sleep!

Baby Items Purchased: Basically everything in Carter's that we didn't already own and liked, bath products from Tubby Todd, and some Young Living Gentle Baby essential oil. We also had a diaper party over the weekend and are so grateful for all of the diapers our sweet friends brought us!

Looking Forward To: Having my cervix checked for dilation Monday. Or at least the answer from it, haha!

Friday, April 29, 2016

Finding the Beauty in God's Timing through Infertility: Our Journey to Sweet Baby Sam

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"Infertility" is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. {source.}

 We are one in eight. Our journey to conception with our sweet Baby Sam was a long one, and so is this post, but it's also one that I wouldn't change for anything. It's also not something I have ever kept secret. I encourage you, if you are experiencing any sort of infertility, to share your story. Talk about it with your peers or anyone you feel like may need to hear it. Understanding that I was never alone was a fact that kept me strong on my weakest days.

Matt and I got married on November 16, 2013. We knew before our wedding, that children were something we wanted immediately. We've always known that we were meant to be parents, and were never the type of couple that needed to "live life" before children. Four days after our wedding, on our way home from our honeymoon, I started to experience a sharp pain in my lower abdomen (at this point, I can't even remember what side!) so I decided to make a doctor's appointment. After just one visit and one ultrasound, we found out that one of my ovaries was covered in cysts and the pain was probably from one erupting. I should also mention at this point, I hadn't had a period in over 3 months but the doctors seemed to think this was normal since I had quit birth control in September. This was my only diagnosis. Cysts were common, and probably something I shouldn't worry about. So for the next few weeks, I continued to live a normal newlywed life.

By the end of December I had finally gotten a period, along with a random phone call from my doctor on his cell phone. He called to tell me that after reviewing my ultrasounds again, he wanted me to start taking at home ovulation tests. He didn't think I was ovulating. Strangely enough, I got a super late positive ovulation (like day 30 in my cycle) and a period just 5 days later. This was also the shortest cycle I've had in the past three years. After learning so much about normal cycles and ovulation, I now know this was completely abnormal. With that, I let my doctor know I received a positive ovulation and we were given the go ahead to try to get pregnant on our own.

Now here is why I consider myself one of the luckier ones. We found out fairly soon that conceiving on our own may be difficult. We knew that no matter what the doctors said, there could still be a problem, but we chose to try on our on anyway. No more tests or peeing on a strip. We simply wanted to enjoy our first year of marriage, while trying to get pregnant without any stress.

Unfortunately by April-June (ish) my periods were still crazy abnormal and I was still experiencing a lot of regular ovarian pain. I would go 70+ days without having a period and spent a lot of time with a heating pad, so my doctor finally referred us to an OB/GYN. In June of 2014, after more tests and ultrasounds, I finally started going in for regular monthly blood tests for ovulation, all of which came back negative through October. At this point, we finally decided to turn to fertility drugs to start my period and encourage ovulation.

After a negative ovulation test our first month on Clomid, we decided to forgo a second treatment and try acupuncture. I wasn't a fan of how the drugs made me feel, and will always choose a more natural way if it's an option. After a positive home ovulation test in December, we found out we were finally pregnant in January of 2015! We were thrilled and in complete shock, but we were also horrified. Call it a woman's intuition, or sheer paranoia, but I knew from the beginning something wasn't right. Matt did his best to encourage me, but something in the pit of my stomach wouldn't allow me to relax. We went for our 8 week ultrasound to discover there was no baby. The term for this is called a "blighted ovum". Although they couldn't "confirm" the diagnoses because our "conception dates could be off" we knew they weren't. There was no possibility for different conception dates, and we left that day knowing in our hearts that we would soon miscarry. 

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 {8 week ultrasound of our first pregnancy}

Sure enough about a week later, I started spotting. It took 4 days, but eventually I ended up having a complete miscarriage at home. While this was probably one of the worst things I have ever experienced, it was also a relief. At that moment, the tiny bit of hopeful anxiety I had left was gone, and we officially knew we had lost the pregnancy.

We decided we would hold off on trying another round of fertility drugs and just stop "trying" all together. The loss of our pregnancy was so difficult, we knew it would take a while to heal. But 7 months later and after 2 more rounds of Clomid, on September 29, 2015, I woke up at 6am to take a pregnancy test. 5 minutes later, I woke my husband up with the darkest positive stick I had ever seen and the biggest smile. We had a second chance, and I had more hope in my heart than I could put into words. We were 6 weeks pregnant with our little miracle, and completely sure that no matter what, God was completely faithful. We chose to put our complete trust in Him, and have been so unbelievably grateful ever since.

God's timing is perfect, and His stories are the most beautifully written. There was a moment after we found out we were pregnant with Sam where I was standing in church worshiping while the band was performing "Every Line" that I heard these words and knew He was writing my story in the most beautiful way that I could never even begin to fathom. "I close my eyes cause faith is seeing for me. I'm out of breath, but you are breathing for me. I lift my hands, to Jesus be the glory. My fight is gone, but you are fighting for me. The battle won I'm standing on your victory. I lift my hands, to Jesus be the glory." I held my belly as tears streamed down my face. My fight was gone, no matter the outcome, because He was always fighting for me. Then and now, my heart is full of so much love and gratitude for our Sweet Baby Sam. I have the comfort in our Savior, in His goodness, and in knowing that no matter what, He is good.

Matt and I now have the ability to look back and see just how perfect His timing is. Every "no" we ever received was only to prepare us for something better. Our journey to conception was difficult and at times heart crushing, but I truly believe we wouldn't appreciate our baby Sam as much as we do, had we not gone through everything we have. It has made us stronger in every way, and we have become so much closer to Jesus through needing Him more than ever. How crazy and beautiful is it to look at our children and know that we have a Father who loves us infinitely more than the way we love them? Having a Father who loves me the way Jesus does saves me over and over every single day. My heart is so full of gratitude that Sam will know how much he was wanted and prayed for, and that he will also grow up with a Daddy who loves him more than Matt and I could ever imagine.
 *I have never been diagnosed with PCOS. While I did have multiple ovarian cysts, and unexplained anovulation, I never met the criteria for an official diagnoses. I've never been given the reason "why" for any of our struggles with conceiving. In my heart I believe that the "why" is simply timing. It was simply God's way of saying "Not yet, my child" and I'm so grateful for His "but, now" in our story.

National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24-April 30. You can find more information here.

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